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BACK Hello my name is Alicia R... I have been clean for 26 years. I did not get clean easy. I started out a very lost child, getting high. I come from a family of aunts who were into Jack. I was a youth who was very unhappy. I wanted to be loved. I came from a house hold of abuse and sexual abuse. My first name as a child was “you bitch” or “you will not be anybody.” I use to drink and take pills to be set free. Forget hell. I was also a holy ministers child who was told “mess up and go to hell.” So I feared God. I use to get so high and have grand mal seizures or wake up places and not know where I was. The bottle and I were friends. I could drink and drive. I had many faces getting high. I was killing myself. I really hated me. I married a man as a teen who gave me aids. That was hard. I had to try to resolve myself, know I would not die. Getting high was not easy. I got sober in Kalamazoo MI. I went to my first AA meeting. I was beaten down, lost, felt like a dog, and felt it was OK to be abused. My husband I married died of aids and getting high. I new I had to give up drugs. I looked bad. I hated myself and the bottle did not help anymore. I could not hide from all the abuse of childhood or having aids or hating God. I had to get so bad. I went to meetings and gave up. I went to meetings and treatment. I was in treatment and worked through fears about self, abuse, hate. I got so sick drugging, I looked older than age nineteen. I had tried killing myself many times. I had seizures a lot. I looked old for my age, but I worked the steps, read the big book and wrote about my feelings. Today I am clean, loving me, not dead from aids and have learned to deal with my abuse as a child. I remarried. I work as a drug abuse counselor and have a very deep walk with God. I love being sober, it's a gift from God. I love me. I want give back. I see myself making it happy and clean. I want to help other women, let them know there's hope to stay clean. You can hold your head up, forgive yourself. I have twins, one became sober, became a RN. That to me was a gift, to see her clean. It took prayer to see my child get clean. All I can say is meetings, steps, writing, works after all my years being clean. To keep a journal, talk to my sponsor and go to meetings. I am free and living 26 years with aids. I am not ready to die but to fight. I have been married almost two years. |
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