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Hello my name is Alicia R...
I have been clean for 26 years.  I did not get clean easy.  I started out a very lost child, getting high.  I come from a family of aunts who were into Jack.   I was a youth who was very unhappy.  I wanted to be loved.  I came from a house hold of abuse and sexual abuse.  My first name as a child was “you bitch” or “you will not be anybody.”  I use to drink and take pills to be set free.  Forget hell.  I was also a holy ministers child who was told “mess up and go to hell.”  So I feared God.  I use to get so high and have grand mal seizures or wake up places and not know where I was.  The bottle and I were friends.  I could drink and drive. I had many faces getting high.  I was killing myself.  I really hated me.  I married a man as a teen who gave me aids.  That was hard.  I had to try to resolve myself, know I would not die.  Getting high was not easy. I got sober in Kalamazoo MI.  I went to my first AA meeting.  I was beaten down, lost, felt like a dog, and felt it was OK to be abused.  My husband I married died of aids and getting high.  I new I had to give up drugs.  I looked bad. I hated myself and the bottle did not help anymore.  I could not hide from all the abuse of childhood or having aids or hating God.  I had to get so bad. I went to meetings and gave up.  I went to meetings and treatment.  I was in treatment and worked through fears about self, abuse, hate.  I got so sick drugging, I looked older than age nineteen.  I had tried killing myself many times.  I had seizures a lot. I looked old for my age, but I worked the steps, read the big book and wrote about my feelings.  Today I am clean, loving me, not dead from aids and have learned to deal with my abuse as a child.  I remarried.  I work as a drug abuse counselor and have a very deep walk with God.  I love being sober, it's a gift from God.  I love me.  I want give back.  I see myself making it happy and clean.  I want to help other women, let them know there's hope to stay clean.  You can hold your head up, forgive yourself.  I have twins, one became sober, became a RN. That to me was a gift, to see her clean.  It took prayer to see my child get clean.  All I can say is meetings, steps, writing, works after all my years being clean.  To keep a journal, talk to my sponsor and go to meetings.  I am free and living 26 years with aids.  I am not ready to die but to fight.  I have been married almost two years.

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