 Prayer Beads And Recovery Jewelry Made Exclusively For The Twelve Step Community SHOPS {PRAYER BEADS {JEWELRY |
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{ ABOUT GWEN R. { ABOUT PRAYER BEADS { ADDICTIONS { CONTACT { HELP { LINKS { PRAYERS { STORIES { TWELVEBEADS SITES { USE OF PRAYER BEADS TWELVEBEADS PROUDLY SUPPORTS { SoberMusicians { SoberSources { TheSoberVillage { SoberTeensOnline ©GwenR2008 TwelveBeads is not affiliated with any twelve step program TwelveBeads Birth Date 9-24-2005 |
BACK My name is Christina and I am a recovering alcoholic. My sobriety date is June 13th, 2005. I am honored to share a little bit about my journey in hope to give hope to someone struggling with this disease. Since I was a little girl I had a strong fear of people. My father was a daily drunk and my mom co-dependant. Often there would be loud rage filled arguments with my mom and dad. It was normal to see my dad beat upon my mom, and I thought such fear and pain I lived in was how it was suppose to be. I was invisible. I am a true isolator. I would lock myself in my room by myself and clean and organize my stuff. Even at school my desk was very clean. Everything was in its proper place creating a visual presentation, more like the illusion that I was ok. I never drank thru junior high or high school. I hated alcohol because I saw what it did to my family. I promised myself I would never become like my father. What saved me were sports and my education. I had no true friends, only acquaintances. I did not know how to exist in a constant relationship, oh but how I craved to have friends. I am an obsessed person, I constantly think about me, myself and I. All my life there has been no room for anything or anyone else. After high school I discovered 2 elements that made me feel alive, food and alcohol. It was one comment that was the catalyst that led me into controlling my food intake. At 19 I discovered bulimia. I found a friend. With my weight loss I began forming false relationships with people. I was invited places and discovered the false peace of the drink. I remember my first experience so vividly. A girl and I were able to buy a 6 pack of Zima, malt liquor (pretty intense in alcohol content). We split it. She drank one, I drank 3, more like swallowed. That feeling that I felt was magical. My disease began its seduction of self. At 21 I met someone. She made me feel so safe, and nurtured me so wonderfully. We ended up having a 5-year relationship. I was very active in my bulimia and drinking alcohol when I met her. However soon I began feeling recognized, loved unconditionally and she listened to me. I did not need my friends anymore (the bulimia and alcohol). I abandoned them, however looking back I now understand they were still there, and I was still untreated. For 5 years my obsessive-compulsive nature owned me. Although I did not drink or binge/purge (B/P) I lived in a small world. My cleaning was insane. I would wake up 30 minutes extra to clean my truck. I would wipe it down, detail it, clean the windows, and pick out all the dirt on the carpet one by one. In the middle of our relationship I began to drink again. “K” and I smoked pot too. Pot worked for me then, it helped me to not be so active in my compulsive nature. However this is a false fix. We drank almost every night, and I was able to stop at a certain point. However come year 5 into our relationship my disease came out full force . . . Christmas 2003 “K” and I were in New York with her family. I was to cook a huge feast for the family. Her mom began invited many people over. I grew nervous and ran around in the attempt to make everything perfect. I drank a whole bottle of wine trying to tame my nerves. I remember sitting down, and that feeling still did not escape me. The wine did not help. So I ate, and ate, and ate. I could not enjoy the company of everyone else. Once it was over I felt disgusted internally. I went to the bathroom, and relapsed into bulimia. I felt pure, and was cleaned. 3 months after “K” and I split up. Ultimately I choose my disease over us. There was no room for us. In 2004 I met Mitch. Mitch was amazing, he made me feel like “K” use to, I was not invisible. I was attracted to him in so many ways. It happened again, I gave up bulimia and alcohol. Mitch was enough. My abstinence did not last long. I relapsed into bulimia and ventured into a very dark side of drinking alcohol. I no longer drank socially. I no longer drank mixed drinks. Rum was my choice, and I needed to exist. I needed it at night first, then mid day, then in the mornings. Mitch stopped drinking completely, just because. However the sicker I got the sicker he got. He did not drink, but the disease affected him. I was a black out drunk. I had a great job, and some good friends from college that I worked with. My disease began to own me. I had everyone walking on eggshells around me. I hurt my friends I worked with and put them in situations I should not have. Soon I was fired as a result of my behavior. Mitch would come home and find me in a black out or sometimes passed out. I also began to cut myself, because alcohol and bulimia were not enough. What was wrong with me? I had so much shame and guilt I carried. How could I share this pain, this emptiness that I lived in everyday. It was only Mitch and I. Our worked became limited. My behaviors were secret, and he fought desperately to help me by enabling me. We began to see a couple’s therapist. We really thought our problem was not about the alcohol, bulimia or cutting. I remember sitting there crying one day, saying to our therapist that I wanted to stop, but I could not. Now if you are a real alcoholic you understand that statement. He recommended Al-Anon for Mitch and Alcoholics Anonymous for me. 2 weeks after I went to my first meeting of AA I slipped and drank again. Mitch began attending Al-Anon meetings and did the most courageous thing, he kicked me out. He was dying to and could not live that way. That was enough for me to seek more aggressive help. I was just hired for a new job and this man was trying to help me but I could not do it my way. I kept failing, and each time I failed my fear grew. I surrendered,and I entered a recovery home for women. I grew tired of fighting this battle alone. I had an ounce of willingness to try something different, something that was not of my own making. I began to feel something within me. The recovery home introduced me to the 12 steps, and best of all, I began building authentic relationships with other women that hurt as I did. This bond of one alcoholic talking to another was something magical. My world began to expand, and soon there was not just me, myself and I. The biggest thing was having an ounce of willingness to invite something greater than me into my life. I had never trusted a God, or embraced spirituality. I thought I was smarter than God, I thought I was it. I began to believe thru some simple actions suggested by those in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I fell in love with the people in AA. I heard laughter, and stories that helped me to embrace my life. I began walking thru fears and building relationships with other women and men. I had no idea this is what I signed up for. I am a spiritually ill person. The perception my mind produces will kill me, and it is a slow miserable death. Alcohol is a symptom of my disease just as bulimia is. I have a mental obsession of alcohol and food and a physical allergy when I consume them. I no longer need to live this way, there is a simple solution and it promises a World filled with many miracles and inner peace. Today I have so much gratitude for my life. I have been able to mend the relationship between my mom and I. Mitch and I are going stronger than ever, and I am so in love with this man, my Al-Anon. J I am able to be of service to others, and most importantly, I am able to show others the solution, to offer hope and discover the internal freedom I have. I am not perfect, and still have some character defects that I am growing thru. However I am no longer doing this alone. My father is still an alcoholic. He is dying slowly. He is homeless, in liver failure, and Hep C and is hallucinating. I am powerless over it all. He shows me my truth, the path my life can render to if I drink. I pray for him and those still suffering. There is a way to live, and you do not have to do it alone. Thank you Gwen for allowing me to share my story. I am honored and blessed to have this experience. |
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