Debbie A

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Hello, my name is Debbie A. and I am an alcoholic.

I was born in The Bronx, in a section known as Fort Apache in New York City. My father deserted my mother and older brother when I was born. Growing up without a father was extremely difficult. There was never enough money for food and my mother went to work as soon as my brother was able to watch me. She worked as a hat-check girl at night in a night club owned by Barbara Walters’s father. She was off during the summer when she was able to collect unemployment as a seasonal worker and be with us when there was no school.

As a result of this situation, I felt different from Jump Street! Kids in school used to call me a Bastard and make fun of me because I didn't have a father.

There were two important messages that were passed on to me as a child. The first was that God had chosen us to punish and the second was that you must have a man in your live in order to be safe, whole, and complete.

I grew up quickly on the streets of New York and by the age of 11 I was experimenting with sex and drugs. By this time my older brother had gotten married and my mother had a 9-5 job leaving me alone after school to do whatever I wanted. I hung out with older kids that belonged to gangs and were always in trouble. The only thing I had going for me was that I did very well in school and the teachers were always feeding my self esteem with ideas that I could go to College and make a success of my life. So I had these conflicting forces in my life at a very young age. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and when I saw my family doctor he prescribed Valium for me and that drug became my constant friend for 30 years!

I ended up going to Hunter College, a City School, during the era of drugs, sex, and rock and roll! I even managed to attend Woodstock! I worked during school and I was a “weekend warrior” as far as my drugs and alcohol use was concerned. I also began a love affair with Puerto Rico and went there every chance I got. I had friends and boyfriends there and it was quite the party place! How I managed to do school, a job, traveling and partying, I can only attribute to youth and to my mother who continually helped me with everything! She had remarried, and her life and become more stable, so she was able to pass on some of the benefits she derived to me. I graduated from College and was extremely disappointed that I hadn't gotten engaged to the young man I had been dating.

I began teaching in elementary school in the South Bronx and moved into my own apartment. I was supposed to go on to Graduate School but I wanted to be free to drink and drug as I saw fit. Within weeks of teaching I began a romance with the School Dean. He and his friends partied a lot and I stepped into his life with both feet. I began drinking every day and on many school nights and I came to school with horrific hangovers and the shakes. I began putting alcohol in soda cans and the children in my classes couldn't believe how much soda I drank and how many times I took “aspirins” which were really tranquilizers. How I drank the amount of alcohol I consumed and mixed that with valium and didn't die is truly a miracle. In a matter of 2 months or less, I invited my new love to move in with me. One night we were at a sidewalk café in New York City and we both were extremely intoxicated. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. We went across the street to a well known department store and bought wedding rings. We then went to his parents house in Queens and his father, a minister, married us. We promised we would get the papers and blood tests the next day. I woke up and when I remembered that I had gotten married the night before, I wasn't sure I really wanted to marry this guy. We tried it for a couple of months but I wanted out, so I told him I needed to take a break and think about things and I was going to Puerto Rico for school break.

Right before I left for Puerto Rico I ran into my first crush and he told me that his uncle was living in PR and that he had lost his wife and loved to party,. He gave me his number and when I got to Puerto Rio I looked him up. It was love, now I know it was lust, at first sight. Within a week he asked me to move into his gorgeous condo and live with him and his 3 children. He was 15 years older than me and was able to give me the most beautiful life you could imagine. He shipped my car and everything else I owned to Puerto Rico and I told my “husband in NY” goodbye. I actually was never really married to him as we had never submitted the paperwork and blood test to his father, but to this day I truly feel that he was my first husband and I know he loved me very much.

I lived with my new lover for a couple of years and I drank and took tranquilizers every day and night. You could get valium in Puerto Rico without a prescription and I was regularly making stops at all the pharmacies as I was so addicted. My husband, an air traffic controller smoked pot and drank as much as I did.

To make a long story short we ended up getting married and moving to California. My step kids and I were devastated to be leaving PR but my husband insisted we move there his mind could not be changed. I was absolutely miserable there. He went to work and the kids went to school and I was alone every day in the house. Suddenly I began having anxiety attacks and it became too frightening to leave the house unless I had huge amounts of alcohol and pills. I started drinking my breakfast as well as drinking all day and night and taking tranquilizers. I finally became so depressed that I tried to commit suicide by taking every pill in the house and drinking as much as I could. I had attempted suicide on other occasions but this time I was deadly serious. I was found my husband and taken to an emergency room and then to a private psychiatric hospital. The drinking, suicide attempts, and psych hospitals became a way of life for me. Eventually my husband said that his first wife was always sick and then died and he wasn't sticking around for the same thing to happen to me. We ended up divorcing but somehow remained drinking pals and lovers until I finally left California.

My parents lived in NY and my brother lived in the suburbs of New Jersey so I ended up living in Jersey as NY made me too nervous. I continued with the same behaviors until I ended up in a psychiatric facility and a young sharp doctor said to me…"You are an addict and an alcoholic” and you are never going to get well psychologically until you get clean and sober”! I was shocked but I went along with his suggestion to transfer from the psych unit to the addiction recovery unit. I had a terrible time there as kicking a 20 year tranquilizer habit was really horrific. It was a 28 day program and I stayed for 3 months.

When I was released I went to aftercare and to AA but decided to drink again. It was terrible drinking with a head full of AA and a belly full of booze, I began going to an out patient treatment center for my anxiety and panic attacks and met a fellow there who convinced me to give AA another chance. I started going back to meetings and eventually got serious about getting sober. This fellow gave me an engagement ring when I celebrated 90 days. That relationship ended when he began to drink and drug again but I continued to go to AA in spite of the fact that I was devastated about him and suffering horrific anxiety. I was in therapy with a woman counselor in the program and she would always say “Don't quit till the miracle happens’ I hung in there and today I have 19 years of continuous sobriety. It got better beyond my wildest dreams, but I would be lying if I said that everything is as I would want it to be. I am a work in progress and I remain teachable! I do lots of service work. I have been Chairman of Central Jersey Intergroup, and I served as a Trustee for the Al-An Club in Trenton for 10 years. I have started a couple of meetings in my area and I sponsor some wonderful women. I am also the treasurer for my home group. I live one day at a time and try to practice this program in all my affairs. I know that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today and that my Higher Power has given me a chance at a new life and for this I am eternally grateful.

Thank you for letting me share.
Debbie A.
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