 Prayer Beads And Recovery Jewelry Made Exclusively For The Twelve Step Community SHOPS {PRAYER BEADS {JEWELRY |
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{ ABOUT GWEN R. { ABOUT PRAYER BEADS { ADDICTIONS { CONTACT { HELP { LINKS { PRAYERS { STORIES { TWELVEBEADS SITES { USE OF PRAYER BEADS TWELVEBEADS PROUDLY SUPPORTS { SoberMusicians { SoberSources { TheSoberVillage { SoberTeensOnline ©GwenR2008 TwelveBeads is not affiliated with any twelve step program TwelveBeads Birth Date 9-24-2005 |
BACK When Gwen asked me to write my story I thought yuck. I have never told my story of hell on earth with bulimia and anorexia. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict as well. My sobriety date is March 18, 1990. The reason why I say that is because my bulimia kicked in when I put down my first love vodka and cocaine. I first found out about bingeing and purging in 8th grade. My best friend told me you could eat anything you want and if you throw up you won't gain any weight. Wow what a concept. I was so excited. The funny part about it was I really wasn't over weight yet but of course was always wanting to be thinner than I was. I was already heavily involved with alcohol and drugs so if I had a food story to tell I stayed in an alcohol and drug induced fog an can not remember much other than my insane alcoholic behavior. I of course had a strange relationship with food. I came from a big Italian family, it was always about food. I knew food always made me feel better. I also grew up in an alcoholic house. I called it the hell house. I was a truly unhappy kid. I would eat to escape. My brother always made fun of me. I was called fatty or Gerry Berry. Honestly the words hurt more than if I got hit. The truth at that time was I hated my family and could not wait to leave. I was the kid that was always running away from home. Thank God for my addictions because they helped me survive. To make a long story short I ended down in Florida. I wanted to die. I hated everyone and everything. I hated God most of all. I blamed him for all the pain I had to go through. I decided once again to kill myself. This was the story of my life. I just felt like life was to hard for me. It would be easier if I was dead. Then I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I was tired of trying. My bulimia kicked in when I put down alcohol and drugs. It was as if I was possessed by food. I would say I am not going to do it today and next thing you know I am in a full binge mode and purging at least 5 times a day. I was a mess. I just kept trying to do my best but it was like being under a spell that I had no control over. I hated myself. I was so disgusted with me. This insane behavior went on for years. Then when I met my husband I was not even honest with him about my bulimia. I told him sometimes when I eat sugar I get a little crazy. Oh God was he in for a big surprise. The scary part was I met him and two months later we were engaged and 5 months later I'm married and living in New Jersey. Self will run riot. We were two garbage trucks colliding. Thank God I got a sponsor in AA. She gave me the name of a therapist, who helped me like no one has ever helped me. My bulimia was out of control. After I had my first baby I decided to stop eating altogether. I was about 90 pounds and wearing a size 0. Shopping at Gap Kids for me. I finally called this therapist. I could barely take care of this baby because I was too busy killing myself still. It was a very difficult time. My husband and I had not clue how to be a husband and wife. We were doomed I thought. Through pressure of people around me I went into a outpatient treatment in Princeton. I learned it was not about the food. I had a lot of old stuff buried inside me that I really had to deal with. Unfortunately a lot of sexual abuse issues that I thought would go away but were still haunting me. It was not until I got busy in therapy and cleaned up a lot of old stuff that I felt I was set free from my insane behavior with food. I am still learning I can not do this alone. I need women in my life. I was always afraid to get to close to people because I knew you were going to hurt me. I was such the victim. Because of the Twelve Steps I am not that victim anymore. It is a we program. I prayed to God for help and he answered my prayers. It may not have been on my time table but I know all of my suffering has been for a reason. It is for the girl who I can say I know how you feel and I know the way out follow me. One last thing I want to share. Do the crying, do the healing and do the growing so that you can be all and celebrate all that God created you to be. I know I am work in progress. I thank God today for bringing me to this place. Gerri V |
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