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BACK The courage of my convictions comes from my understanding of spirituality, my Higher Power, and the proof of growth that I have experienced - Kelly M. - A.A Member since 1993 The Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. My Understanding of the Serenity prayer... I am asking, as humbly as I know how, to find peace within myself, By realizing that not everything is within my control. I accept that I can only be responsible for and affect change in myself, And My higher Power helps me understand that I must let go of things that are beyond my limitations. My name is Kelly and I am an Alcoholic, Addict, Codependant. You could probably throw a few more ism's my way and I'd fit them too. I guess that you could look at it like like this, I have always taken the easy path with all its bumps and bruises. It was easy to party, easy to not be responsible and easy not to believe in anything or anyone. My story is a lot like most so I am not going grace you with one of my famous but irritating drunk logs , heck anybody can do that. I am going to talk about My Higher Power. The figure of MY understanding, The one whom I relate my prayers to. The one who has kept me sober, and grinned while kicking me in the Keester, when I screwed up. Now, to understand me....Which is a stretch for any mind....I need to explain the concept of my Higher Power....just so that the newcomer doesn't think they are being pressured into believing in “God”. Higher Power means Higher Power... To begin with My Higher Power is of many belief structures, including Christian, Buddhist,Taoist, and Wiccan...My higher Power is neither Male or Female in appearance.....My Higher Power is forgiving, with a sense of humor...Above all else, My Higher Power requires me to grow. With this said, I can continue, comfortable that I have introduced you to My H.P. as I would introduce you to a friend. Our Higher Power, no matter the name; God, Mohammad, Jahova, Buddah, Guya, the Creator is there in our belief structure. Even If we are Agnostic, that leaves us open to the possibility that there is some power to believe in. And yes even the Atheist who does not believe in an omnipotent power, usually can logically believe in some structure of life that is more powerful than the bottle. To refuse to talk to someone who has been or is going through the same thing is not only silly but boarders on grotesque. Sure it keeps the focus and attention on the alcoholic and not on their problems, but the relief of healing with the support of people who have been through it is a blessing. Its healthy, Its human. And isn't that what we have been looking for all along, to be Normal, to feel we belong to the human race again? "You're as sick as your secrets". I believe this to be true, beyond any doubt. Today I try to be as honest about me and with myself as I possibly can. I can not let the life I used to live back in because it will kill me. Im glad that the meetings that I go to are healthier than the ones that I used to go to. The problem with us drunks is that If some one is carrying on a drunk log, that is a pattern of glorifying their party days, it is just too easy for me to identify with the patterns of using and then I start glorifying my own using and I don't look at the real problems inside me that keep me sick. The meetings that I go to now, I find that I can relay my problems from today into what is said by others and by what I say. I don't care to one up my drinking or drugging adventures on other peoples stories. It takes the focus off of my today and makes me miss the party days. They weren't all that great, otherwise I would still be out there. When I came to AA, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It sounds funny but really, I used to wake up hung over, hurting, and swearing that I would never ever do it again, And by the night time I was back out there going through it all over again, just to repeat the pain the next day. Thats the insanity of the addiction. How many times do you have to hit yourself in the head with a hammer before you realize it hurts? This question, I have posed to myself so many time, but what I have come to realize is that all of us addicts realize that it hurts, no one has ever shown us How to stop. All of the pain from the past is what got me to begin and continue using, all the secrets, the dirty little secrets that hurt me and help my decision to self-medicate. The most wonderful thing I found in talking to other AA's is that when I finally started talking about my "dirty little secrets", they weren't surprised, they weren't shocked and they didn't judge me. After all we medicated to hide this pain and they had already dealt or were dealing with their own secrets, We were all in this together. When we become aware of how far off our path we have strayed, when we see how cold and hard we were to someone we love, when we are no longer blind to our blindness - then we are touched by painful feelings. We feel guilty about the harm we caused. We grieve the lost moments and lost opportunities. We may feel angry with ourselves for our stubbornness. But even with our pain, we are worlds away from that blindness. This new awareness is a spiritual place. It brings us back into contact with our Higher Power and makes us available to the words of wisdom and concern of others. It reminds us that no man can walk this path on his own power. We all must remain open and in contact with the healing relationships around us. One of the most absurd things we do to ourselves is not asking for the help we need from a friend, a family member, our Higher Power, or the appropriate resource. I have been guilty of this so many times. I tend, as an alcoholic to isolate. Now alcoholic isolation is self imposed, mostly on a conscious level. Old habits of wanting to be left alone. In the case of my depression, the gift of anger without enthusiasm, though, I have a fear of people and I hide in my apartment to feel safe. For me, it seams more unconscious, its not something I want. This type of isolation is more primal, on a survival level. We don't have to struggle through feelings and problems alone. We can ask for help from our Higher Power and for support and encouragement from our friends. I know from experience that when I ask for help, usually I get it, very quickly. The point for me to remember is Ask. Im not used to remembering that when I am in crisis. Whether what we need is information, encouragement, a hand, a word, a hug, someone who will listen, or a ride to a meeting, we can ask. We can ask people for what we need from them. We can ask Our Higher Power for what we need spiritually. It is self-defeating to not ask for the help we need. It keeps us stuck. If we ask long and hard enough, if we direct our request to the right source, we'll get the help we need. My problem in the past is that in asking for help, to communicate my needs, I have blindly followed advice from people who wanted to direct my actions not guide me. There is a difference between asking someone to rescue us and asking someone in a direct manner for the help we need from him or her. We can be straightforward and let others choose whether to help us or not. If the answer is no, we can deal with that. It is self-defeating to hint, whine, manipulate, or coerce help out of people. It is annoying to go to people as a victim and expect them to rescue us. It is healthy to ask for help when help is what we need. I have in the past, not known how to ask for help. I have since childhood, been told what to do. So my problem is that at this point, I am learning how to take advice and I have to remember that I am not being told what to do. It is a choice that I didn't understand. To take or leave advice and not feel like I am being told what to do. We who are eager to help others can learn to allow ourselves to receive help. We can learn to make clean contracts about asking for and receiving the help we want and need. Today, I ask for help if I need it - from people and my Higher Power. I will not be a victim, helplessly waiting to be rescued. I will make my request for help specific, to the point, and I will leave room for the person to choose whether or not to help me. I will not be a martyr any longer by refusing to get the help I deserve in life - the help that makes life simpler. My spirituality helps me let go of my need to do everything alone, helps me use the vast Universe of resources the situation available to me. I pray for awareness today as my doorway to spiritual healing. When we first become aware of a problem, a situation, or a feeling, we may react with anxiety or fear. There is no need to fear awareness. No need. Awareness is the first step toward positive change and growth. It's the first step toward solving the problem, or getting the need met, the first step toward the future. It's how we focus on the next lesson. Awareness is how life, the Universe, and our Higher Power get our attention and prepare us for change. The process of becoming changed begins with awareness. Awareness, acceptance, and change - that's the cycle. We can accept the temporary discomfort from awareness because that's how we're moved to a better place. We can accept the temporary discomfort because we can trust our Higher Power, and ourselves We are guaranteed experiences that are absolutely right for us today. We are progressing on schedule. Even when our personal hopes are left unmet, we are given the necessary opportunities for achieving those goals that complement our unique destinies. Today is full of special surprises, and we will be the recipient of the ones which are sent to help us grow--in all the ways necessary for our continued recovery. We might not consider every experience a gift at this time. But hindsight will offer the clarity lacking at the moment, just as it has done in many instances that have gone before. Everything that happens to me today is meant to happen. My Higher Power gives me the tasks at hand and I take them on, even if I don't understand todays trials, I will learn from them. My personal hopes are really a mute point. My Higher Power gives me what I need and whether I get what I want or not is not the point. Its like they say, "You can make plans, but you can't plan results". Personal growth is wholly dependant on what I have been open to up to this point. We are only offered part of our personal drama each day. But we can trust our lives to have many scenes, many acts, points of climax, and a conclusion. Each of us tells a story with our lives, one different from all other stories and yet necessary to the telling of many other stories too. The days ahead will help us tell our story. Our interactions with others will influence our outcomes and theirs. We can trust the drama and give fully to our roles. As I go through my day, a lot happens to me. It may be positive, it may be negative, But I choose my battles today as I choose the good that I accept. I can, in times of weakness be goaded into an absurd argument. But if I buy into it, the results, no matter what they are, are on me. If I allow a personal argument to affect me and make my day bad, then that's on me. Lets face it how many times have I gotten mad at someone and it ruined my day, when the other person may not have given it any more thought than the original argument. Today I choose to look at before I react. Is what is happening worth my energy, or am I buying into someone else's need to feel else's need to feel better by making me feel badly. I choose how I feel today. I choose who affects me, good or bad. Every day is a gift exchange. I give, and I will receive. Today, I will be grateful for any awareness I encounter. I will display gratitude, peace, and dignity when life gets my attention. I will remember that it's okay to accept the temporary discomfort from awareness because I can trust that it's my Higher Power moving me forward. Learning self-acceptance, and then loving the selves we are, present perhaps our two biggest hurdles to the attainment of emotional and spiritual health. Fortunately, they are not insurmountable hurdles. The program offers ready assistance. Emotional and spiritual health are gifts promised by the program, when we work it. We must move beyond our perfectionism and relish our humanness. And the Steps are the way. We must learn humility and develop faith, and the Steps are the way. Learning to love all our parts, the qualities we like and the traits that discouragingly hang on, offers a new freedom. A freedom that invites change. A freedom that safeguards the emotional and spiritual well-being that we strive for. Confidence will come with my healthy self-acceptance. The circumstances of our lives seldom live up to our expectations or desires. However, in each circumstance we are offered an opportunity for growth or change, a chance for greater understanding of life's heights and pitfalls. Each time we choose to lament what isn't, we close the door on the invitation to a better existence. We simply don't know just what's best for us. Our vision is limited. Less so today than yesterday, but limited still. The experiences we are offered will fail to satisfy our expectations because we expect so much less than our Higher Power has planned for us in the days ahead. We get what we need, in the way of relationships, adventures, joys and sorrows, today and every day. Celebrating what we get and knowing there is good in it eases whatever trial we are undergoing. We are cared for, right now. We need not lament what we think we need. We do have what we need. We will always get what we need, when we need it. I will breathe deeply and relax. At this moment my every need is being attended to. My life is unfolding exactly as it should. Today I try to focus on helping others in meetings that may be in pain, helping neighbors for no reason, just because they crossed my mind that day. Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. Today when I am thinking about myself, it is usually about what I am feeling and how to fix the negative emotions so that I can have the clarity help others who need help more that myself. One of the ways we stay sober is to help in any way we can, even if it is just an understanding ear. I, as an alcoholic, can not keep any sane semblance of good honest sobriety if I do not give away to others what I have learned. The difference today in me is the fact that working through my pain, I realized that I do have a conscience. I am a good person and that I can feel for others without needing the focus to be on me. When I first got to AA, I had been drinking and drugging for 19 years. I began at the age of 9. So I know that a lot of my self-centeredness came from me, in my pain, I retarded my emotional growth at the age of 9. So there I was 27 and acting like a self - centered 9 year old. Today I am 40 and working very hard to grow. I have my off days, but you know, I would never give up a sober moment. I am not perfect, I have had a slip, I have stumbled along the way, But today I choose to keep working my program. The point for me and me alone is that 1 sober day defiantly outweighs 1000 of my drunk party days. Lets face it I can be just as exciting and crazy as I want to be, the difference today is that I remember it. Butt Prints in the Sand One night, I had a wondrous dream; One set of footprints there was seen. The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore. But then some stranger prints appeared, And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?" "Those prints are large and round and neat, But, Lord, they are too big for feet." "My child," He said in somber tones. "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait. You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of-faith you would not know. So I got tired and fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt, Because in life, there comes a time, When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand." |
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