 Prayer Beads And Recovery Jewelry Made Exclusively For The Twelve Step Community SHOPS {PRAYER BEADS {JEWELRY |
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{ ABOUT PRAYER BEADS { ADDICTIONS { CONTACT { HELP { LINKS { PRAYERS { STORIES { USE OF PRAYER BEADS TWELVEBEADS PROUDLY SUPPORTS { SoberMusicians { SoberSources { TheSoberVillage { SoberTeensOnline { MillionDollarRecovery ©GwenR2008 TwelveBeads is not affiliated with any twelve step program TwelveBeads Birth Date 9-24-2005 |
BACK I grew up in Pennsylvania as the youngest child in a 2 kid family. I believe I was born feeling irritable and discontent, I just never felt like I fit in anywhere... even my own family. I had my first drink around age 6 or 7 because my father had a full bar in the basement of our house and me, my brother and the neighbor used to dare each other to do anything. I really liked that drink even though I was too busy being a kid to start my drinking career at that age but I can remember that feeling of warmth and invisibility. We moved when I was 9 years old and this was the beginning of my struggles as a child. I was shy but outgoing, tough but weak, happy but sad. I was constantly a walking contradiction of myself. I thought I was really neat but at the same time had no self esteem to speak of. I was desperate to be liked and did anything and everything to fit in. I molded who I was in every situation. I lied a lot, back then it was my fantasy world. I spun tales of delusions and grandeur to anyone who would listen and although people thought I was full of shit I was so far gone into my fantasies that I believed them myself. I thought, like most kids that I would grow out of everything that plagued me so I kept trucking along. My father was an alcoholic, I hated him, feared him and still was desperate for his approval. He was either around too much or not at all. He had no job anymore and most of all I was just ashamed of him. My mother had to go back to work and traveled most days out of the week. I felt very alone and isolated and it was the perfect environment for my behaviors to start turning drastically into addictions. My friends and I experimented a lot with different mind altering substances (if you could call the spice cabinet mind altering). I lived in a wealthy community and we would rummage through parents drawers and find joints and small amounts of cocaine. We'd smoke the joint and eat the cocaine and then days would pass before we would start rummaging again. Mostly we just found cigarettes which everyone gave to me to hide in my house since neither one of my parents were ever around to go snooping. My brother was also getting into drugs and alcohol and if my parents were ever alerted to trouble they usually pointed their accusations at him. I started craving finding things to alter my mood. I would eat too much, then not eat at all. I would drink alcohol if it was around and I would crush up any white pill to pretend like I was in that movie 'Less Than Zero' and mimic this huge, glamour cocaine addiction. I never felt like I had enough alcohol when my friends and I would party in high school. They would get a six pack for six of us and I was always left feeling less than satisfied. From the get-go I had an amazing tolerance and felt like I could drink forever and not get stupid like my friends would. I was the person at the end of parties that would go around and drink everyone's cast-offs before I would go home. I got into some trouble, I managed to still do school and have somewhat of a normal teenage experience. I went through heartbreaks and being miserable, always thinking something else was out there. When I went to college I was already drinking by myself and knew by then that I was an alcoholic like my father. I also thought it wasn't a big deal and I would most likely grow out of it. I did not. By my late 20s I was a daily drinker. I had alienated most of the people and family in my life. I drank alone and I drank consistently. I also was using cocaine to manage the all day drinking while still being able to work. I found the program a year before I got sober. I just could not stop. Everyone seemed to think that the program worked but I fought it and decided I could just make everyone else happy by telling them I was sober but I would still smuggle my vodka in my water bottles and drink to the point of passing out every night. My life started becoming really bleak, my body was deteriorating and my mind was a mess. I was completely empty and void of a soul. I had no spiritual life and the only praying I did every morning was 'please god, don't let them know I was loaded' and 'please help me'. My bottom came on May 25th, I was completely demented with a wet brain. I was asking everyone for help. I could not get out of my apartment and yet I still couldn't put the bottle down. I kept thinking one more drink and this will all go away. I ended up in the hospital the next day and went through 2 days of detox and then was admitted into a 28 day inpatient program. I crawled through those doors desperate and willing to do whatever it took. I opened myself to the program, to my higher power and from May 28 I never had a desire or a craving to get loaded. It was no longer an option for me. I was finally free. Lara F. |
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